Empathy

Empathy can be a very powerful thing - it allows us to connect with others on a deep and personal level but it can also cause us a lot of distress depending on the circumstances.

I'm proud to have been gifted with a high amount of empathy, overall I would rather have empathy in my life than not, despite the emotional harm it causes me on occasion. I have to actively observe and manage my empathy or it can send me into a spiral.

Yesterday was one of those days, a student in my class shared an extremely distressing situation she has been recently going through with her family and afterwards I realised I was carrying it very heavily for the rest of the day. I got wound up in imagining how I would feel if that had happened to me and my family and got myself very fused with those thoughts. I was close to tears about something that has never and may never happen to me.

While that empathy was useful when in conversation with that person it was no longer helpful to me in the hours afterwards. This was a great chance to practice some Defusion. I started with asking a few questions like "is this thought helpful to me right now?" Well, I thought, it is not helping me in this moment but it is trying to tell me something - these thoughts and feelings are telling me how much I don't want this situation to happen to me and my family. I then realised that despite this empathetic reaction having dragged me down it was actually an amazing gift, so I thanked my mind for trying to help me. That woman hadn't seen these events coming and can't change what has happened but I have been given the opportunity to plan ways to prevent a similar thing happening to me and my family. This thinking process effectively defused me from the thought - rather than thinking from that woman's perspective I was thinking from my own perspective again, planning and thinking ahead. I was left with a much healthier sympathy for what the other woman was going through rather than being haunted by it as if it were my own pain. I allowed that feeling to sit with me and pass in its own time while continuing to get on with my day.

So what was key in this example was first noticing that I was getting fused with my thoughts and then practicing some Defusion to give myself a bit of space from those thoughts. This gave me the opportunity to look at them more logically and see what I could gain from this experience. Finally I practiced some acceptance on the feelings and took action on my values by simple carrying on with my day as planned despite those thoughts and feelings.

Empathy is a wonderful gift but it is important to notice when it is time to Defuse and move on.