Being Process Focused

My kitchen is a mess right now - a total tip. There's stacks of washing up, various dirt and debris across all surfaces, loads of things waiting to be put away. I would ideally like it to be spotless - all surfaces tidy and polished to a beautiful shine and it seems I am always short of that lofty goal.

However, today I congratulated myself - I have done so well. There's one load of washing up drying on the rack, the dishwasher is filled and going, I've tidied a lot of debris off the sides and moved more washing up next to the sink. I'm cooking a healthy lunch for myself and my toddler (and making more mess as I go) and I've spent most of the morning playing with her which is something I value greatly. To the outside observer my kitchen really doesn't look much tidier but I know what I have achieved and I am proud of myself.

If I focus on the end goal of the spotless kitchen and hold onto it too tightly then I will end up feeling bad: either sorry for myself - “why is this place never clean? I never do anything right. What's the point?” or angry at myself - “I should have stayed up later last night to clean. I shouldn't have wasted my time talking to my friends when there's work to be done. I shouldn't have spent all that time playing with my daughter this morning. It's all my fault.  I'm so lazy. I'm so useless. I can never do anything right.” If I hold on tightly to my perception of what others would think upon seeing my kitchen then I can get caught in the same trap.

Instead, I focus on the process - today I made several small steps towards my goal, the kitchen is now that little bit closer to being clean and tidy. Plus I feel motivated to do more, which is in stark contrast to how I feel if I'm beating myself up for not being there yet. Rather than holding on tightly to that ideal of a spotless kitchen I am more flexible about it - I know that the tidiness of my kitchen is always in flux, for example, my lunchtime cooking took me back a few steps by creating more mess and washing up. Even if I reach my lofty goal, it won't stay that way for long - there's always more food to prepare and dishes to wash.

Life just seems to flow better from this perspective - I am no longing wasting my time beating myself up nor forcing myself to disregard my other values because of a misguided desire for perfection in this one area. By focusing on the progress I am making and allowing myself to praise my small achievements I am giving myself more motivation to continue while being flexible if other stuff comes up.

When the mind gets a bit foggy

I was teaching ACT this morning and for the whole first half of the morning I felt like I wasn't there at all. I couldn't identify any specific thoughts that were getting in the way but I felt like I couldn't focus on what was in front of me. My mind was foggy and despite my efforts to focus on the class I felt like my attention kept drifting off into a void. Usually I am quite good at noticing thoughts I am fused with but it felt like I was fused with nothingness.

After the break we spoke about contacting the present moment and did the ‘notice 5 things’ exercise to demonstrate the concept. It was like waking up from a dream - all of a sudden I was back in the room and able to actually focus and truly see what was in front of me. With my attention back on the class I could finally get something out of it and contribute more effectively. Despite having spent the morning desperately trying to focus properly, it was only by simply taking a moment to actively notice the sights and sounds around me that finally enabled me to step out of my mind and feel like I was actually there.

For a while I have been getting stuck when my mind gets foggy - it adversely affects everything else and I didn't know what to do about it. Today, contacting the present moment really seemed to work. Even though I've been using ACT for a long time, I never before realised that it could help me step out of my mind fogs so effectively. It may not happen every time I try it and perhaps it was just a useful byproduct on this one occasion but I am going to continue testing it when my mind goes foggy and see how it works. I'll let you know in a future post if it proves consistently effective.