Sunday 12 November 2017

Being Process Focused

My kitchen is a mess right now - a total tip. There's stacks of washing up, various dirt and debris across all surfaces, loads of things waiting to be put away. I would ideally like it to be spotless - all surfaces tidy and polished to a beautiful shine and it seems I am always short of that lofty goal.


However, today I congratulated myself - I have done so well. There's one load of washing up drying on the rack, the dishwasher is filled and going, I've tidied a lot of debris off the sides and moved more washing up next to the sink. I'm cooking a healthy lunch for myself and my toddler (and making more mess as I go) and I've spent most of the morning playing with her which is something I value greatly. To the outside observer my kitchen really doesn't look much tidier but I know what I have achieved and I am proud of myself.

If I focus on the end goal of the spotless kitchen and hold onto it too tightly then I will end up feeling bad: either sorry for myself - “why is this place never clean? I never do anything right. What's the point?” or angry at myself - “I should have stayed up later last night to clean. I shouldn't have wasted my time talking to my friends when there's work to be done. I shouldn't have spent all that time playing with my daughter this morning. It's all my fault.  I'm so lazy. I'm so useless. I can never do anything right.” If I hold on tightly to my perception of what others would think upon seeing my kitchen then I can get caught in the same trap.

Instead, I focus on the process - today I made several small steps towards my goal, the kitchen is now that little bit closer to being clean and tidy. Plus I feel motivated to do more, which is in stark contrast to how I feel if I'm beating myself up for not being there yet. Rather than holding on tightly to that ideal of a spotless kitchen I am more flexible about it - I know that the tidiness of my kitchen is always in flux, for example, my lunchtime cooking took me back a few steps by creating more mess and washing up. Even if I reach my lofty goal, it won't stay that way for long - there's always more food to prepare and dishes to wash.

Life just seems to flow better from this perspective - I am no longing wasting my time beating myself up nor forcing myself to disregard my other values because of a misguided desire for perfection in this one area. By focusing on the progress I am making and allowing myself to praise my small achievements I am giving myself more motivation to continue while being flexible if other stuff comes up.

Thursday 2 November 2017

When the mind gets a bit foggy

I was teaching ACT this morning and for the whole first half of the morning I felt like I wasn't there at all. I couldn't identify any specific thoughts that were getting in the way but I felt like I couldn't focus on what was in front of me. My mind was foggy and despite my efforts to focus on the class I felt like my attention kept drifting off into a void. Usually I am quite good at noticing thoughts I am fused with but it felt like I was fused with nothingness.


After the break we spoke about contacting the present moment and did the ‘notice 5 things’ exercise to demonstrate the concept. It was like waking up from a dream - all of a sudden I was back in the room and able to actually focus and truly see what was in front of me. With my attention back on the class I could finally get something out of it and contribute more effectively. Despite having spent the morning desperately trying to focus properly, it was only by simply taking a moment to actively notice the sights and sounds around me that finally enabled me to step out of my mind and feel like I was actually there.

For a while I have been getting stuck when my mind gets foggy - it adversely affects everything else and I didn't know what to do about it. Today, contacting the present moment really seemed to work. Even though I've been using ACT for a long time, I never before realised that it could help me step out of my mind fogs so effectively. It may not happen every time I try it and perhaps it was just a useful byproduct on this one occasion but I am going to continue testing it when my mind goes foggy and see how it works. I'll let you know in a future post if it proves consistently effective.

Tuesday 10 October 2017

World Mental Health Day 2017 Kintsugi facepaint


1 in 4 adults and 1 in 10 children will experience a mental health problem in a given year. In any given week 1 in 10 adults are suffering with depression. With such statistics it's hard to believe that we all talk so little about mental health and that there is still such stigma surrounding it.

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I am celebrating my history of mental illness and showing that it is nothing to be ashamed of by painting golden cracks on my face to imitate the Japanse art of Kintsugi.

Kintsugi, roughly translated as 'golden joinery', is a Zen tradition of repairing broken ceramics with a gold infused lacquer. It is a practice filled with respect for the item, rather than trying to hide the cracks, the gold lacquer makes a strong join while celebrating the damage endured along the way. In this way I want to show that despite the many times my mental health difficulties have broken me, I have taken great care to put myself back together again but I also carry the history of those experiences with me and they are a part of who I am and make me, as a person, stronger and more beautiful than before.

For me, ACT is my gold infused lacquer, helping me join the pieces back together, stronger and more resilient than before and this blog is my way of showing off the beauty of those gold cracks to the world. Whatever tools you use to help you manage your illness I hope you will want to join in with me today and on future World Mental Health days.

Please post your photos on the Keeping Up The ACT Facebook page and pass the idea on to your friends. If you have joined me today or in the future, then my heartfelt thanks to you.

Saturday 7 October 2017

Kintsugi for mental health awareness


Kintsugi is the Japanese art of joining broken ceramics together with gold infused lacquer. Instead of hiding the joins between the pieces, the golden lacquer celebrates and honours the item's history by highlighting every crack.

When we suffer with mental health problems it can often feel like we have been broken and we spend huge amounts of effort putting ourselves back together again. But sadly we have a tendency to hide our struggles and not let anyone else know what we've been through - trying to put the pieces together while hiding the cracks. Maybe we could take a lesson from Kintsugi and celebrate our own history, the struggles we've been through and the achievement of working through them.

This World Mental Health Day on Tuesday 10th October, join me as I paint golden cracks on my face to celebrate the beauty of the mental health issues I've endured and show others that they are not alone in their struggles.


I will be using facepaint to create the golden cracks on my face but feel free to use photo editing software to make your own image. Perhaps you would like to use your image as your Facebook profile photo on World Mental Health Day or just post it on our Facebook page to show your support. Thank you so much for helping raise awareness of mental health.

Thursday 31 August 2017

Using ACT during the most distressing parts of life.


Warning: this piece discusses pet euthanasia.

I believe that it is important to practice the ACT techniques in the everyday, mundane moments in life because it makes those skills accessible when life gets really difficult. If you don't practice it when things are easy then when life gets tough you forget the tools even exist and then wonder after the emotional storm has passed why you didn't think to use them.

I well and truly proved this theory to myself a few weeks ago. I have been practicing ACT for several years now, in easy times and harder ones. The other week I managed to use ACT during one of the most distressing moments in my life and even though I'm already a pretty devout believer in this stuff, I was amazed to watch it working for me at such a destructively distressing time.


Some background: many years ago I saw a young rabbit in a pet shop with such a wonderfully curious and loving personality that I felt I was meant to buy him. I was at a very low point in my life and looking after this adorable, good natured little bunny gave me a small sense of purpose, a glimmer in the darkness which surrounded me daily. I vividly remember a moment when I was seriously considering suicide but I chose to get my rabbit out of his cage and just sat and held him on my chest with his head tucked under my chin. He sat placidly in my arms and I had this sense of unconditional love from him even while I felt like the most unlovable thing on this planet. At that moment I loved him more than anything, I poured my love back to him and he held it all in his calm, peaceful way. He anchored me in that emotional storm and helped me to find a way to keep living. Over the years there were many moments I returned to him when I was feeling low and he was always such a steady, loving presence.

A few years ago my rabbit was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. We medicated him, kept him warm and comfortable and didn't expect him to last the year but he rallied and kept going for several years. Then it came back with a vengeance a few weeks ago after my other rabbit, his friend for most of his life, passed away. After a string of visits to the vets for various other health problems, he finally stopped eating or ingesting his medicine and was clearly struggling to breathe or move. The time had come to help him pass away so we booked an appointment with our local vet.

I sat and cuddled him on my chest just like I had all those years ago and when the time came to leave I desperately didn't want to go - I didn't want to accept that this was the end, but I also didn't want to leave him suffering like he was.

In the vets, after a short confirmation of his condition and signing of forms, the vet took him away to put a cannula in, promising to bring him back for the final part. I was left alone in the empty room, no longer able to comfort my dear little bunny. As soon as the vet left the room I internally screamed until it nearly burst from my lips. My mind screamed over and over that I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to do this. My teeth clenched and a distressing pressure built up inside me like a pot about to boil over.

Then suddenly, I remembered - ACT teaches us to be willing to feel our emotions. I was definitely not willing in that moment - I was fighting my own experience with all my strength. It was time to try something different, time to try what ACT teaches. So I turned myself to face what I was feeling and opened myself up to it. This feels like the most counterintuitive thing you possibly could do, especially when you are feeling so very distressed - I can't possibly open myself up to this, it will overwhelm me, it might kill me. But as I turned towards it, my body released it and the sharp edge of it dissipated like a half remembered dream upon waking. The feelings of distress didn't completely disappear but they lessened to what felt like a much more natural level. It was like the overflowing pot had reduced back down to a steady boil. I was still distressed but it was no longer boiling over and overwhelming me. It was the most distinct example I've ever experienced of the suffering we can build up around natural emotional pain and how ACT techniques can alleviate that suffering.

Throughout my wait, which was interminably long, I repeatedly allowed myself to feel my feelings. As the wait grew longer and longer my mind started panicking - drawing me into imagining what could possibly be happening in the next room. Had his heart failed while they were working on him? Had they cut a vein and was he bleeding to death on the table? Had I not been clear that I wanted to be with him while he was put down and had they already done it without me? As these catastrophic thoughts carried me off I managed to remind myself to come back to the present moment - noticing myself in this room at this moment, noticing the objects in the room and my breathing. It was again, very counterintuitive to draw my attention to my present moment experience, after all, the present moment was the last place I wanted to be right now. But to my surprise I found the present moment was the safest place to be - away from the storm of thoughts about why the wait was taking so long. In the present moment I could observe those thoughts but not get caught up in them and I could accept that I simply could not do anything about what was happening next door, that all I could do was wait and hope.

Eventually my rabbit was brought through and all too soon he died in my arms with his head tucked under my chin. That was the end of my rabbit's story but he will live on in my memory and my heart.

I am still surprised by how effective the ACT techniques were for me at such a distressing time. I had to constantly remind myself to open up to my feelings and return my attention to the present but doing these things kept my distress from boiling over and consuming me. It was still a horrible time, but ACT helped me to get through it. It helped me to experience the normal, natural emotional pain without it increasing to the suffering which my instinctive tendency to resist my emotions causes. If I hadn't been practicing these techniques in everyday life then I don't think I would have remembered to use them nor been confident enough to try them.

So I hope this serves as motivation to some of you to keep plugging away and practicing the ACT techniques you have learned, even if life is going well and you don't feel like you need to use them much. Practicing now will give you the opportunity to use these skills when life gets rougher as it inevitably does from time to time.

In memory of my dear rabbit - you meant the world to me. Thank you so much for being a part of my life.

Thursday 10 August 2017

Making changes when our pet dies

When a pet dies it can stir up a lot of painful emotions - loss, grief and sometimes guilt and regret about not having treated them as well as we would have liked. This pain can motivate us to treat our remaining pets better - spending more time with them, playing with them more etc. We can become acutely aware of the fragility and brevity of life and the need to make the most of the time our pets are with us. But when our actions are motivated by this pain and we give extra attention to our pets as a way to alleviate that pain, then the changes we make don't last. When the emotional pain of our pet's death passes, as it naturally does eventually, then we lose the motivation that was driving us and fall back into our old ways.

I speak from experience here - every time a pet dies I wonder why I didn't learn from my last pet. I think the answer lies in the purpose of our change in behaviour towards our other pets. Whether deliberately or not, the purpose might be to avoid some of that emotional pain - the guilt and regret about our past actions. Treating our other pets differently can help us to feel better. But if we're doing it to feel better then we can't have lasting change because once the feelings of regret dissipate so does our motivation. There's no need to take action that makes us feel better if we're feeling ok again.

So how do we make the lasting change that's in our heart when we lose a much loved pet? We need to start by opening up to the feelings we are having, turn towards them and be willing to feel them, not all the time if not possible, but when it feels safe enough to do so. We may need to set ourselves some time out of our busy schedules to do this - to sit quietly and think. Next, we need to explore and reflect on our feelings of regret or guilt or self-blame; ask ourselves why we feel this way and what we would have liked to have done differently. When we do this self reflection we can easily fall into the trap of overly focusing on what we should have done and get wrapped up in self-blame and anger towards ourselves. Try to hold these feelings lightly, acknowledge that they are there and then refocus on what these feelings are suggesting that you should do differently in the future. I'm sorry to say that no matter how much we want to, we can't change what we have done in the past but the beautiful thing is that we can learn from it and we have every opportunity to act differently in the future. I don't think there is any greater way to honour our lost companions than learning from our lives together - both the good and the bad - and taking that lesson forwards into the rest of our lives.

With that in mind, we finally need to find out what our underlying value is - the direction we want our actions to head towards in the future, the kind of person we want to be in regards to our role as a pet owner. The value we find may turn out to guide the exact same behaviour towards your other pets as you would have done to avoid your feelings, but this time you are left with a value which can guide your actions in the future even when your grief fades away. Write it down if you need to, you might need a reminder in the future of what truly matters to you.

For example, I wished I had spent more time with my rabbit rather than just fleetingly seeing her as I let her out and put her back away everyday. From this I realised that I value spending time with my pets. Since my rabbit died I have used this value to guide me to pause more often and stroke my cats when they approach me and to spending a few more minutes with my surviving rabbit everyday. Notice that I have not gone extreme with my changes, I have not forced a rule upon myself that I must spend as much time as possible with my pets. Values are much gentler - they don't demand that you must act in a certain way, they are there to guide you, making every moment an opportunity to do something that takes you towards those values. I intend to use this value to continue spending little bits of extra time with my pets, to help me choose to prioritise them when I can, so that even when my grief fades I will continue to properly honour my rabbit's memory.


In loving memory of my rabbit - you were a grumpy old fluffball but I loved you dearly.

Wednesday 19 July 2017

What teasing might be teaching our kids

At a local dinosaur park I witnessed a father scaring his two young kids and then laughing at them saying “ha ha, you were scared” in the same way as you would expect children in the schoolyard to do when they tease one another. And then it struck me - are we inadvertently teaching our kids to tease one another and in more extreme cases bully one another by our own interactions with them? I had always thought that the meanness and teasing that was present at school was just how kids are but now I suspect that we are actually teaching this kind of behaviour to our kids. This dad was clearly just playing around and didn't mean anything by his actions but he failed to realise that this was the behaviour he was modeling to his kids - it's ok to tease others, to scare them and to laugh at them. These kids didn't seem hurt by their dad's jibes but the problem is that they learn these interactions and replicate them with others who may feel hurt by them and in situations which may not be appropriate.


The other problem I have with this man’s teasing is that he was shaming his kids for having a perfectly normal and natural emotion - fear. He was not so subtly teaching them that it is not ok to feel fear, that it's something to be humiliated for. I sadly see this a lot at this dinosaur park - parents saying things to their children like “don't be such a wuss” and “you're always so scaredy”. You might as well be whispering in their ears “it's not ok to feel scared, you shouldn't feel scared, there's something wrong with you if you do feel scared.” When you invalidate a child's feelings they're going to naturally turn to experiencial avoidance - they will try to not feel those feelings that they have been told not to feel. In ACT’s view this experiencial avoidance can lead to greater suffering - for example, maybe they refuse invitations to sleepovers because they don't want their friends to know they're afraid of the dark leading to feelings of isolation and perhaps thoughts of “nobody likes me anyway” which could lead to further avoidance of other social situations and further unhappiness. Once learned, experiencial avoidance can be a hard habit to break so maybe we should try to keep our children's minds open about experiencing painful emotions. It's ok to feel these feelings, it is normal to feel these feelings, they may feel big right now but they can never get bigger than you, you can contain them and they will pass like clouds in the sky.

Saturday 15 July 2017

Impact of my animation

I was honoured to have my animation shown to over 100 psychologists and mental health professionals at the conference I attended earlier this week.


For those who don't know, I made this animation as one of my weekly goals in the later weeks of ACT group therapy. I had been unable to animate for a long time prior due to my intrusive thoughts and the feelings they evoked in me every time I sat in front of the computer to work. So it was a big part of my recovery and a testament to the efficacy of the ACT techniques that I managed to make this animation.

Though I have shown it to many classes in the Recovery College over the years and always received praise for it, I never really got the impression that it could be useful to psychologists and their work. I am naturally quite modest about my work and find it very hard to believe that anyone finds any value in it. But at the conference I was approached by several professionals who were very enthusiastic about the animation and wanted to use it in their work. I was also told by one professional to whom I had given permission to use it several years ago that it had been so helpful in her work. I had never really thought that my animation could be that helpful to people and am proud to have it freely available on YouTube so others can find it and use it in their work.

Tuesday 11 July 2017

Aging and turning towards my fear of it.

Earlier this week I attended a conference dedicated to ACT and RFT. In one of the talks we were asked to speak to one another about aging. This is a topic I find quite difficult - I have a deep fear of aging and find it uncomfortable to turn my attention to the subject. But I wanted to take part in the exercise and so I did allow my mind to explore my feelings about aging and opened up to those around me about it.

I found this experience very useful - by discussing it, I realised that I don't really care about my looks changing or my hair greying. My fears lie in the idea of being less physically and mentally able to do what I enjoy doing and what's important to me.


I've returned to this thought in the following days - the fear of losing physical and mental abilities. Obviously I can't prevent what the natural aging process will eventually bring but I realised that there are things I could do differently right now to minimise the risk of certain debilitating diseases that might develop in later life. I am currently overweight and do little exercise. If I look after my health better, I can increase my chances of getting to old age with some of my mental and physical abilities still intact. This has galvanised me into focusing more on my value of health and in treasuring the present while I do have all these abilities still available to me.

By turning towards the subject of aging, despite my fear of it, I managed to define what exactly I am afraid of. Only then could I look at what I am currently doing and what I could be doing differently to minimise the chances of my fears coming true or at least delaying them for as long as possible. There's nothing I can do about the years of poor care I have given my body, but every day I can work towards changing the current trajectory to something better. And that is enough for me. I can accept the natural decline of my body but I can't accept self-inflicted infirmity.

I've found that through this process my fear about aging has lessened somewhat. I guess my fear was more accurately a fear of losing physical and mental abilities sooner than necessary because of poor and selfish choices I make now. I think the point of the exercise had been to practice letting go of wanting to control things outside of our control and I am happy to do that in reference to the natural aging process but when it comes to the potential impact of my current actions on my future health then I am happy to use my problem solving mind to come up with solutions. Looking after my health now may make no difference, I've never smoked in my life and I could still end up with lung cancer but at least whatever hits me I'll know that I tried my best.

Tuesday 20 June 2017

My trip to the splash park

We've been having a bit of a heatwave here recently and our house has become unbearably hot so I decided to take my toddler to a splash park one afternoon. I find the idea of going to such places quite difficult: the crowds of people, the worry about keeping my toddler's skin safe from the sun, the arduous drying and dressing afterwards; I feel stressed just thinking about it. Despite these thoughts, I packed our bag, dressed in some old clothes, dressed my girl in an oversized sun suit, slavered the rest of her in suncream and we set off.


My toddler is at an age where she still likes to keep me close by, especially in new places and I wanted to stay close to her to ensure her safety. So hand in hand we walked about the splash park. After a short time, I started to notice myself draw back from the various sprays of water my toddler wanted me to go into with her. I would interact half heartedly and avoid getting wet as much as possible. I wasn't having much fun and could feel my stress levels soaring. I felt very disconnected from my daughter.

Once I noticed what I was doing and how I was feeling, I turned to my values - how do I want to be acting in this situation? I realised that I really didn't want to be the parent who sits at the side and brushes off the pleas of their children to play with them. Fair enough, I wasn't being like that but then I asked myself to instead imagine what sort of parent I would like to be like. I instantly imagined a fun, carefree parent getting fully involved and utterly soaked in the process of playing with her child. That's what I wanted to be. Maybe I couldn't be all of that, but that was the direction I wanted to head in. I quickly realised that what I needed to do was to let go of the idea of staying even remotely dry. So I went through the sprays, I put my feet in the fountains, I stood under the tippy buckets and I went down the waterslide with my daughter in my lap a bazillion times. I noticed that as soon as I allowed myself to get soaked I started to have fun, lots​ of fun. I reveled in experiencing the water with my toddler and felt like I was almost experiencing it all through her eyes. I felt so connected with her. She had an amazing time too - running around shouting “I love the splash park!” over and over.

I used several ACT tools that day - defusion to help distance myself from my unhelpful thoughts about going to the splash park, enabling me to get out the door; noticing my present moment experience to help me realise that I was avoiding getting wet and feeling pretty unhappy; then turning to values to help me understand how I really wanted to be behaving in that situation and using them as a guide to help me change my behaviour. It is quite clear that without these tools I could have let my lifespace shrink that day - without defusion I would have avoided leaving the house and missed the opportunity for so much fun, if I hadn't noticed my behaviour and feelings then I would have had no reason to check in with my values and without exploring my values I would not have known how to act differently and consequently would have had a far less fun experience and likely gone home earlier.

I think overall that this is a nice example of how the different ACT tools can work together to help create powerful shifts in our behaviour and help us live more fulfilling lives one day at a time.

Friday 12 May 2017

The problem solving mind is not always the best guide

I got some new craft materials for my toddler the other day. When she was finished this is what my floor looked like.


Instantly my mind came up with a solution - “just vacuum it all up”. This is a great example of the problem solving mind in action - giving suggestions for the easiest solution to the problem in front of me. Indeed I could have vacuumed up all the mess but that would have been going against my value of not being wasteful. I value not throwing useful things away and I value our finances which can't afford me vacuuming up perfectly useable craft materials.

This shows how important knowing our values is. If we always follow the instructions from our problem solving mind then we could end up living a life that is against our values - always doing the easiest thing rather than what is right for us.

With my values as guidance, I chose to painstakingly pick up every one of those beads and sequins. It certainly took a lot longer​ than the vacuum would have but I felt satisfied that I had followed my values and now my toddler has craft stuff at the ready for the next time she desires to spread sequins all over the floor. Though next time I won't be giving her the entire packet, maybe just a handful.

Sunday 7 May 2017

Improvements in psychological flexibility

When I was a small child I had a favourite cuddly toy called Fantasia. He was a small dalmatian puppy from the Disney movie and he would often go everywhere with me and I would cuddle him every night as I slept. My daughter has recently taken a great interest in the 101 Dalmatians movie so I decided to root around in the attic and find Fantasia for her. Unfortunately I wasn't the first to find him.



Mice had gotten into the bag and had eaten large pieces from his paws and face. Needless to say I was devastated - he had such special significance to me and I felt responsible for having stored him in the attic rather than elsewhere in the house.

What really surprised me though was how quickly I was able to come around to accepting the situation. In the past, something like this would have sent me into a spiral for days if not weeks or even months. It would have started with huge amounts of self blame - why didn't I keep him out of the attic? Why didn't I put him in something mouse proof? I would have been vicious to myself, telling myself how much I hate myself, how useless I am, I can never do anything right, I am an idiot, etc. I would have also tried to deny that it had happened or at least desperately try and will it not to have happened. I wish I had done this or that this hadn't happened etc.

This time however was surprisingly different. I was first hit by a huge wave of sorrow and regret but I didn't cling onto any of it like I used to. Within about half an hour I had accepted what had happened and decided that I would wash Fantasia and the other cuddly toys from the bag and do my best to repair them as best I could so my daughter could enjoy them. I still felt sad about what had happened but I didn't keep blaming myself and beating myself up like I used to.

This really demonstrates how much more psychologically flexible I am than ever before. I think that prolonged use of ACT has actually changed the way my mind works. I am fascinated to see whether this sense of psychological flexibility can be maintained and increased with further practice.

Saturday 22 April 2017

Depression, again.

I haven't written anything in a while now because I have been hit with a large wave of depression. It's hard to write about this stuff while you're in it and so easy to forget the details when you're out of it again. I'm​ going to try my best to write about it though.


It came on very gradually, almost insipidly, possibly triggered by several small events and disappointments in my life which I failed to notice that I had started struggling with and suppressing the feelings of. It snowballed with me not feeding myself properly and ceasing all exercise, making me feel even worse. I felt a deep lethargy which may have been caused by the depression or the poor eating habits - most likely a bit of both. These lethargic feelings lead me to doing less around the house and made me withdraw from activities in general which left me feeling overwhelmed by my everyday chores and my life felt lonely and lacking in any fun or relaxation. My days became a pattern of desperately waiting for my toddler's bedtime and then spending the evening simply waiting until it was my bedtime. By the time, after a fairly long decline that the death of my Grandmother came about, I was so numbed by depression that I didn't really feel much. This made me feel very guilty - she was a wonderful, kind woman who was a big part of my childhood, how dare I not feel anything? It was only when my depression started to lift a few weeks later that I started to feel the natural grief feelings I had been expecting.

I admit that I had naively thought that I was immune to depression with ACT at my side, but I'm now realising that life just isn't that simple and that I still need to practice more. ACT may not have made me immune to this bout of depression but it has freed me from its clutches for the majority of the time compared to the years of near constant depression I have experienced in the past. I believe the ACT tools helped to keep this depression from reaching the dangerous depths of precious bouts, though I was still surprised by how deep this one went.

The main difference between this depression and previous ones is that I noticed what was happening to me, at least once I had identified that I was depressed. I consciously made the effort to notice the thoughts and feelings I experienced from moment to moment and this may have helped me to start the process of bringing myself out of the depression. I noticed the urge to suppress my feelings with my old avoidance strategy of eating chocolate. Particularly notable was that I was conscious of the fact that this bout of depression was only temporary and that I would come out of the other side eventually. This contrasts with my old way of thinking that things will never change and I'll feel this way forever. I believe that my use of ACT lead to these changes in my experience of depression.

Getting out of this depression took a combination of several factors - accepting where I was, forcing myself to prepare and eat sensible foods, limiting the times I ate comfort foods, taking advantage of any moment the lethargy lifted and facing some of the thoughts and feelings I had been hiding from, not all at once and with kindness towards myself. I also talked to my husband about the thing I was most stuck with, which helped me to untangle the thoughts going through my head. This process took several weeks with some days going better than others. I am now back to normal again and grateful to be feeling better with some extra knowledge about myself.

Saturday 18 February 2017

Avoiding Teaching the Happiness Myth to my Toddler

At lunchtime my toddler laid her head down on the table and told me “I’m sad mummy”. It felt like my heart was breaking in two. I knelt by her chair and offered her a hug. With her arms wrapped around my neck and head slumped on my shoulder she repeated “I'm sad”. I asked her, “what would make you happy again?” All of a sudden I was struck by how I was teaching my daughter to fall into the happiness trap. I was implying that happiness is the normal state of being (happy again), that sadness is a problem that needs to be fixed and that you can be made to feel happy by things external from yourself. While I doubt that my toddler took these depths of meaning from my question I was aware that if I continue to use such language with her as she grows up I could end up inadvertently training her to fall into the happiness trap.

So I made the conscious decision to act differently. I sat her on my lap and told her “everyone feels sad from time to time. It's ok to feel sad. It will pass. I'm here for cuddles if you want them.” While she may not have understood all of that, I felt like I had followed my values by saying those things to her. I would love to teach her psychological flexibility as she grows up and avoiding language which leads to the happiness trap is an important part of that.

So, what happened when I said this to her? “Just want… just want my lunch”. Ok, back to lunch. And you know what? Her sadness did indeed pass all on its own.

Friday 17 February 2017

Anniversary - 3 years of ACT

Today marks 3 years since my first session of ACT group therapy. Little did I know back then what an effective and frankly life changing therapy it would be for me. Though I found the ACT skills instantly helpful, it has surprised me how their long term use has transformed me. The purpose of ACT is to encourage psychological flexibility and I really do feel that I am far more psychologically flexible than I used to be. I find that I rarely need to consciously use the ACT tools anymore - my mind knows to do it all on its own. I have been off antidepressants for about 2 years and I think that it is unlikely that I will ever need them again. 
I still have some bad days, but they rarely affect me as deeply or hang around for as long as they used to.
I still have moments where I get caught up in struggling and avoidance but it isn't my response every time to every single thing which happens to me. I feel I still have to work on it and I believe that the more I do so, the more positive results I will likely see.
So here's to my 3 year ACT anniversary - may it continue to help me and those I teach for years to come.

Wednesday 1 February 2017

Animation - Acceptance of Thoughts and Feelings

First, a little background; I am a 3D animator and by the time I was offered ACT group therapy, I was struggling so much with feelings of self-doubt that I actually found it impossible to sit in front of the computer to do any animation work. During the course of ACT group therapy, we were being asked to set ourselves a small goal each week. In one of the later weeks I said I would make a short animation before the next week's session. I chose to make an animation about one of the ACT concepts which really helped me and though it was really tough going, I managed to overcome my fears and defuse my thoughts to produce the following animation.

It is very rough and unpolished but below you can watch my animation. It is being used in the ACT on Life course in several Recovery College areas and the feedback I've had has always been very positive. Personally, I cringe to show it to others, judging how unpolished it is and what changes need to be made. I would love to take time to do a more slick, fancy one at some point in the future but for now this will do. I feel there is some value to it in this raw, original form because of what it represents in my own journey of recovery. Hope you enjoy it!


Thursday 19 January 2017

Doing Something Despite Your Thoughts and Feelings

Tomorrow I am going to a workshop in London to learn about Relational Frame Theory, the theory which underpins ACT. It will hopefully help expand my knowledge and understanding of ACT and improve my ability to teach it to others. Going to this workshop is in line with my values of personal development and my value of helping others, but as the day gets closer and closer, more and more uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are surfacing.

I feel guilt about forcing my husband to take a day off work to look after our toddler for me, I feel guilt and grief over the idea of being separated from my toddler for a whole day, I feel anxiety about the journey and the idea of being in such a busy city, I fear that I will be too stupid to understand the content of the workshop, I feel anxious about being around strangers, my mind assures me that I will say or do something awfully foolish or embarrassing, I feel disgruntled by the idea of a 5am start and fear I will feel too tired to concentrate, I fear triggering another gall bladder attack while being far away from the comfort of home. In short, my mind and body are trying everything they can to convince me not to go - to stay in my comfort zone at home.


In the past, these sorts of thoughts and feelings have convinced me not to go to certain events; I've missed birthdays and various social events in an effort to avoid these difficult feelings. I always feel empty and regretful afterwards. The thing is, most things we do, especially things which are really important to us, can bring with them this kind of discomfort. This is the moment in the Life Space demonstration where your life bumps up against these uncomfortable experiences and in order to expand your life space and make your life richer and more fulfilling you must first allow yourself to have these thoughts and feelings rather than shrinking away and avoiding them. If I chose not to go to the workshop tomorrow then my life space would shrink or in terms of the bus metaphor, I would be driving my bus in the direction my passengers dictated. 

With my values to guide me, it matters a little less what I am feeling; I know that this workshop is important to me in several ways and I am willing to allow myself to feel and think these things in order to reach my goal. It is uncomfortable, but I choose to continue driving my bus in the direction of my values despite some rather loud and obnoxious passengers. 

Sunday 15 January 2017

The Effects of Alcohol

It was my 30th recently and that weekend I drank alcohol for the first time in about 3 years. My abstinence from alcohol had been due to pregnancy and breastfeeding but now I think it would be best to continue avoiding alcohol for my mental health.


I didn't drink very heavily on the weekend - 2 ciders on 2 nights which was plenty to get me feeling a little drunk. The day after I felt what I recognised as hangover symptoms - extreme tiredness despite a normal amount of sleep, fuzzy mind and a low mood. I can handle those experiences, they were expected and I thought, short-lived. However, I believe the effects of my alcohol consumption lasted 3 more days. I felt tired for those days, not as exhausted as during the hangover day but very lethargic - everything was too much effort. My mind remained relentlessly foggy for those days also - I'd lose track of what I was thinking and making decisions felt like wading through thick mud. Most marked however was the effect on my mood. I felt a level of depression which I haven't felt in a long time - feelings of hopelessness, dissatisfaction with my life, deep sadness and moments of just wanting to collapse into tears for no reason, a handful of suicidal thoughts, anxiety, snappiness and assumptions that everyone is attacking me, thoughts about how this depression I was experiencing would never come to an end and hatred for the path along which I was choosing to lead my life and for which I had felt so positive and sure about before I drank alcohol. These feelings and thoughts persisted for 3 days and really shook me. I was particularly shaken by the thoughts about how dissatisfied I was with my life and my future plans. Some people suggested that this was simply a reaction to turning 30, but I was quite careful to observe my thoughts during this period and I never had any thoughts about my age or any other thoughts related to my birthday. I mostly forgot that my birthday had even occurred. I also happened to watch a couple of historical dramas which ended tragically and found that I was profoundly upset about them - I grieved for those characters for the following days. Analysing myself at the time and now in retrospect, those films weren't the cause of such a deep sadness but they were something that my already depressed mind latched onto and tormented me with. I think I could watch those films now and have a far more normal reaction to them in my current state but whatever the alcohol did to my brain at the time exaggerated my emotions tenfold.

It is such a relief to finally feel normal again - feeling content with my life and looking forward to my plans for personal development. As much as I enjoy the initial effects of alcohol they simply don't justify the 4 days of side effects I experienced. So I think I will choose to avoid alcohol completely in the future - it just isn't worth it for me.

Everyone's body and mind reacts differently to alcohol so by no means do I think that everyone gets the same effects I did but I do wonder how many people are going through life feeling similar effects but not knowing the cause. If a person is indulging in a few drinks on the weekend, are they only starting to feel the side effects wear off just in time for the next weekend and the cycle beginning again? Could this explain why the work week feels like such a slog for the first 3 days and then you only perk up the last 2 days? It would be easy to assume that it is simply the anticipation of the weekend which gives us a boost towards the end of the week but what if that is how we could feel all the time if it weren't for alcohol?

Friday 13 January 2017

Sherlock: Suicide and Acceptance

The latest episode of Sherlock, titled "The Lying Detective", other than being a fantastic piece of television, conveyed some very important ideas. Early in the episode Sherlock is speaking with a suicidal woman. He gets her to give him her gun and throws it into the river. Then he says this:

"Taking your own life. Interesting expression... taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

As a person who has suffered with frequent and persistent suicidal thoughts in the past, I found this speech to be very impactful. It is fairly uncommon to see this kind of topic covered on mainstream tv programs, so I was pleased to see it being directly tackled in such a popular and wide reaching show. I can't say for sure how much this would have affected me if I was currently experiencing the sort of low which comes with suicidal ideation, but I'd like to think it might have broken through the dark clouds at least a small bit. You can be so wrapped up in yourself and your own pain at those times that you don't think about what impact taking such action might have on your loved ones; I hope that this particular scene can help some people to see from that perspective and stop them from taking action.

Near the end of the episode Watson breaks down crying and Sherlock hugs him while they exchange the following words:

Sherlock: "It's ok."
Watson: "It's not ok."
Sherlock: "No, but it is what it is."

I thought that this was a very nice adaption of the usual "it's ok" that gets said in these kind of situations. I liked how Sherlock's final line encourages acceptance - which is so vital when dealing with such a torrent of emotions. Once again, it is great to see this in a mainstream tv program.

Congratulations to the writers and performers for dealing with such important ideas in their show. I hope to see more of this kind of thing covered in popular entertainment in the future.

Sunday 8 January 2017

Reflection: Turning 30


With my 30th birthday fast approaching, I have taken time to reflect on how far I've come and how much I have changed over the years. Looking back, I am a little surprised to even be here, considering how often I would have thoughts such as; "this will be the last year of my life", "this is the year I will finally do 'it'", "there's no way I will survive another year", "I hope this is the last year" etc. I'm sure you get the idea. At the time I believed these thoughts; I believed that the mind had some kind of predictive power and I believed it could make me hurt myself regardless of what I wanted to do. It's upsetting looking back at that younger version of myself, getting back into contact with her pain. I spent a lot of time wishing and praying to be dead. I realise in retrospect that I was in a lot of danger for many years and needed help far sooner than I sought it or got it.

I doubt that teenage me would have been able to even imagine me here on the cusp of 30, having come out of the other side of that dark cloud I was in, pleased with the way my life is heading and with hopes and dreams for the future. I think that 26 year old me would have struggled to see this future too. The turning point really has been when I first learned ACT; though it didn't transform me instantly, over the last 3 years it has helped me move from almost constant depression to a mostly normal life with occasional low patches.

So here's to my journey; it was tough, but worth it and I hope to continue building a rich and fulfilling life for many more years.

Sunday 1 January 2017

New Year's Resolutions Which Last

It's the New Year and the time when lots of people choose to set themselves new year's resolutions. If you have tried setting a resolution before you may have found them not to be very effective or only effective in the short term. This can often be very disheartening after all the positivity and excitement of the new year starting. I can tell you the key to longer term, more effective resolutions.




To make more lasting resolutions, find the value lying behind that resolution. Most people's resolutions tend to be goals - things which can be ticked off a list when it's done or they take the form of “do less of this” or “do more of that”. Eg. Get to x dress size, drink less alcohol, do more exercise. There's nothing wrong with these goals - they are a great way to achieve various things in life but what is important is knowing what value is driving those goals. Values are the things which matter most to you, the kind of person you want to be, the way you want to act. It is useful to think of values like a compass direction eg. West. You can never reach West but at any moment you can choose to travel in that direction. With values you can never say I have achieved and finished "being kind" for example, but you can always choose to travel in that direction and do something kind in any moment. If you consider your journey of heading in the direction of “being kind” then each act of kindness is a village you pass through on the way. These shorter term destinations are your goals - the things you can tick off a list along the way. These goals are all destinations on the unending path in the direction of your value - it is important to know what value is guiding you or you will get lost when you achieve a goal and won't know where to go from there. This is why so many of us get stuck and sometimes end up going backwards when we've finished a goal. (Anyone who has struggled with weight loss will probably find this familiar - achieving a desired weight and then having no plans in place for maintaining that weight, so we end up gaining back that hard earned weight loss.)

Many new year's resolutions are based on the value of being healthy - weight loss, avoidance of certain foods eg. chocolate, drinking less alcohol, doing more exercise etc. Usually one and sometimes even all of these can feature on someone's resolution list but they all come from the value of looking after your health. Focusing on that deeper desire to take care of your body can help drive you more than the goals along the way. Goals can often feel like something you “must” do rather than something you “want” to do. Knowing what value drives you can turn that “must” into a “want”.

Another wonderful feature of values is that just as you can never achieve or finish doing them you can also never fail at them. A lot of resolutions set us up to fail - “I will stop eating chocolate” for example, is a goal which is just waiting for us to break its rule and fail. Focusing on the underlying value of health and knowing that chocolate is a poor choice for your health can give you the freedom to choose what you consume without feeling this pressing demand of “I must never eat chocolate”. You may be surprised how often you choose to follow your value of health rather than your desire for that foodstuff and if you do slip up and choose to indulge then you haven't failed, you just have the ability to choose differently when the next food choice presents itself.

So to make the most effective resolutions I would recommend resolving to work towards your value (whichever one you choose). For example, this year I wish to work on my value of being healthy. This will involve goals like eating less chocolate and sweets, doing more exercise, avoiding alcohol etc.

Finally I need to warn you of any “should”s which appear when you are discovering your values. A value is never “I should do this” or “I should be that”. If you notice yourself saying “should” then it is likely not your value but something you feel pressured to do by others. Values are deeply personal and are not based on other's opinions. Values are like your favourite flavour of ice cream - other people may encourage you to try other flavours but deep down you just know which flavour is right for you.

I hope you find this helps you to make more lasting new year's resolutions and wish you all the best for this year and beyond.