It was my 30th recently and that weekend I drank alcohol for the first time in about 3 years. My abstinence from alcohol had been due to pregnancy and breastfeeding but now I think it would be best to continue avoiding alcohol for my mental health.
I didn't drink very heavily on the weekend - 2 ciders on 2 nights which was plenty to get me feeling a little drunk. The day after I felt what I recognised as hangover symptoms - extreme tiredness despite a normal amount of sleep, fuzzy mind and a low mood. I can handle those experiences, they were expected and I thought, short-lived. However, I believe the effects of my alcohol consumption lasted 3 more days. I felt tired for those days, not as exhausted as during the hangover day but very lethargic - everything was too much effort. My mind remained relentlessly foggy for those days also - I'd lose track of what I was thinking and making decisions felt like wading through thick mud. Most marked however was the effect on my mood. I felt a level of depression which I haven't felt in a long time - feelings of hopelessness, dissatisfaction with my life, deep sadness and moments of just wanting to collapse into tears for no reason, a handful of suicidal thoughts, anxiety, snappiness and assumptions that everyone is attacking me, thoughts about how this depression I was experiencing would never come to an end and hatred for the path along which I was choosing to lead my life and for which I had felt so positive and sure about before I drank alcohol. These feelings and thoughts persisted for 3 days and really shook me. I was particularly shaken by the thoughts about how dissatisfied I was with my life and my future plans. Some people suggested that this was simply a reaction to turning 30, but I was quite careful to observe my thoughts during this period and I never had any thoughts about my age or any other thoughts related to my birthday. I mostly forgot that my birthday had even occurred. I also happened to watch a couple of historical dramas which ended tragically and found that I was profoundly upset about them - I grieved for those characters for the following days. Analysing myself at the time and now in retrospect, those films weren't the cause of such a deep sadness but they were something that my already depressed mind latched onto and tormented me with. I think I could watch those films now and have a far more normal reaction to them in my current state but whatever the alcohol did to my brain at the time exaggerated my emotions tenfold.
It is such a relief to finally feel normal again - feeling content with my life and looking forward to my plans for personal development. As much as I enjoy the initial effects of alcohol they simply don't justify the 4 days of side effects I experienced. So I think I will choose to avoid alcohol completely in the future - it just isn't worth it for me.
Everyone's body and mind reacts differently to alcohol so by no means do I think that everyone gets the same effects I did but I do wonder how many people are going through life feeling similar effects but not knowing the cause. If a person is indulging in a few drinks on the weekend, are they only starting to feel the side effects wear off just in time for the next weekend and the cycle beginning again? Could this explain why the work week feels like such a slog for the first 3 days and then you only perk up the last 2 days? It would be easy to assume that it is simply the anticipation of the weekend which gives us a boost towards the end of the week but what if that is how we could feel all the time if it weren't for alcohol?
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