Valentine's Day is here - a day for telling those we love how much we love them and celebrating that love. At that basic level I like the idea of Valentine's but I do hate how commercialised it has become. I cringe at the displays of huge cuddly toys and sparkling, heart-shaped balloons in the shops. I don't like the idea of showing how much you love someone by how big a gift you get them (physical size or monetary value). What happens with these gifts for the rest of the year? Are they placed somewhere as a reminder of how much you are loved or, out of necessity, does it just get stored away to be discovered years later when clearing out the cupboards? Do these gifts retain their significance throughout the year or does it inevitably wane? Despite what the marketeers try and tell you, I think these gifts are actually getting in the way of showing how we truly feel about each other.
I'm not saying that you have to stop buying gifts for your loved one on Valentine's Day - it is absolutely up to you whether that is the way you would like to demonstrate your love. I simply want to suggest an additional idea for today and future Valentine's Days.
A time for reflection and gratitude.
Let's use Valentine's Day as a special day to reflect on our relationship - to take a moment to recognise how grateful we are for our loved one, to look at any flaws we perceive with compassion and truly open up to the love we feel for them. When we open up to such love we can often find fears creep in - what if we lose them? What if we are not good enough for them? Acknowledge these fears, allow them to pass in their own time and know that they are a natural part of loving someone this much - loving another being with their own free will and susceptibilities can make us feel very vulnerable. Try to open up and accept that you can't know what the future brings and remind yourself that despite that uncertainty you are willing to feel that love because it is so worth it. If the fears get too powerful you can use your feelings of gratitude as an anchor.
Take a moment to appreciate all the things they do for you and think about the kind of person you would ideally like to be to them. This can bring up feelings of guilt if we are not currently being all we want to be for our loved one - be compassionate with yourself but also know that this is good news because you have just been given guidance on which areas you may wish to work on over the next year.
A gift with more longevity.
Rather than spending loads of money and effort on one big gesture on just this one day of the year, maybe it would be better to use Valentine's Day as the start of a regular routine of small gestures to be made throughout the following year. Think about small ways you can help your loved one or just little ways you can show them that you appreciate them. Make sure it's something easily achievable and something which can become habit with a little practice.
Here are some ideas:
- Make them a cup of tea once a day and while you make it be mindful of who you are making it for and why.
- Make the effort to ask them how their day has been and really listen to the answer.
- Resolve to be mindful of the things they do for you and simply thank them each time - it can be surprising how much we take for granted.
- Make sure you always tidy up after yourself: pick laundry up off the floor, or put your cups and dishes in the dishwasher etc.
- Set one evening a week to spend in the company of your partner without other distractions.
- Do a chore each week that you don't usually do - washing up, vacuuming, laundry, taking the bins out etc.
- Practice gratitude at the end of each week - think of your loved one and reflect on all the ways you are grateful for them.
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list - ultimately, you are the person best placed to know what actions to take for your loved one (other than your loved one themselves I suppose).
Whatever you choose, make sure you know the timescale (what day of the week or month will it happen?) and specifically what the action will be. Ensure the action is small and easily achievable. Also, make sure that the action you choose is about your loved one and not about you - a good test is to ask yourself “if I did this and they never even notice, would I be ok with that?” If the answer is no, then you are looking for recognition and praise rather than doing something purely for your loved one's sake.
So rather than grandiose gestures on one day of the year, you can start using that day as a springboard for showing that person how much you love them throughout the year - a far longer lasting gift which may have greater ramifications throughout the rest of your time together.
Can making a few cups of tea or picking up a few pairs of underwear really do all that you ask? There's only one way to find out...
Happy Valentine's Day.
