Doing Something Despite Your Thoughts and Feelings

Tomorrow I am going to a workshop in London to learn about Relational Frame Theory, the theory which underpins ACT. It will hopefully help expand my knowledge and understanding of ACT and improve my ability to teach it to others. Going to this workshop is in line with my values of personal development and my value of helping others, but as the day gets closer and closer, more and more uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are surfacing.

I feel guilt about forcing my husband to take a day off work to look after our toddler for me, I feel guilt and grief over the idea of being separated from my toddler for a whole day, I feel anxiety about the journey and the idea of being in such a busy city, I fear that I will be too stupid to understand the content of the workshop, I feel anxious about being around strangers, my mind assures me that I will say or do something awfully foolish or embarrassing, I feel disgruntled by the idea of a 5am start and fear I will feel too tired to concentrate, I fear triggering another gall bladder attack while being far away from the comfort of home. In short, my mind and body are trying everything they can to convince me not to go - to stay in my comfort zone at home.

In the past, these sorts of thoughts and feelings have convinced me not to go to certain events; I've missed birthdays and various social events in an effort to avoid these difficult feelings. I always feel empty and regretful afterwards. The thing is, most things we do, especially things which are really important to us, can bring with them this kind of discomfort. This is the moment in the Life Space demonstration where your life bumps up against these uncomfortable experiences and in order to expand your life space and make your life richer and more fulfilling you must first allow yourself to have these thoughts and feelings rather than shrinking away and avoiding them. If I chose not to go to the workshop tomorrow then my life space would shrink or in terms of the bus metaphor, I would be driving my bus in the direction my passengers dictated. 

With my values to guide me, it matters a little less what I am feeling; I know that this workshop is important to me in several ways and I am willing to allow myself to feel and think these things in order to reach my goal. It is uncomfortable, but I choose to continue driving my bus in the direction of my values despite some rather loud and obnoxious passengers. 

The Effects of Alcohol

It was my 30th recently and that weekend I drank alcohol for the first time in about 3 years. My abstinence from alcohol had been due to pregnancy and breastfeeding but now I think it would be best to continue avoiding alcohol for my mental health.

I didn't drink very heavily on the weekend - 2 ciders on 2 nights which was plenty to get me feeling a little drunk. The day after I felt what I recognised as hangover symptoms - extreme tiredness despite a normal amount of sleep, fuzzy mind and a low mood. I can handle those experiences, they were expected and I thought, short-lived. However, I believe the effects of my alcohol consumption lasted 3 more days. I felt tired for those days, not as exhausted as during the hangover day but very lethargic - everything was too much effort. My mind remained relentlessly foggy for those days also - I'd lose track of what I was thinking and making decisions felt like wading through thick mud. Most marked however was the effect on my mood. I felt a level of depression which I haven't felt in a long time - feelings of hopelessness, dissatisfaction with my life, deep sadness and moments of just wanting to collapse into tears for no reason, a handful of suicidal thoughts, anxiety, snappiness and assumptions that everyone is attacking me, thoughts about how this depression I was experiencing would never come to an end and hatred for the path along which I was choosing to lead my life and for which I had felt so positive and sure about before I drank alcohol. These feelings and thoughts persisted for 3 days and really shook me. I was particularly shaken by the thoughts about how dissatisfied I was with my life and my future plans. Some people suggested that this was simply a reaction to turning 30, but I was quite careful to observe my thoughts during this period and I never had any thoughts about my age or any other thoughts related to my birthday. I mostly forgot that my birthday had even occurred. I also happened to watch a couple of historical dramas which ended tragically and found that I was profoundly upset about them - I grieved for those characters for the following days. Analysing myself at the time and now in retrospect, those films weren't the cause of such a deep sadness but they were something that my already depressed mind latched onto and tormented me with. I think I could watch those films now and have a far more normal reaction to them in my current state but whatever the alcohol did to my brain at the time exaggerated my emotions tenfold.

It is such a relief to finally feel normal again - feeling content with my life and looking forward to my plans for personal development. As much as I enjoy the initial effects of alcohol they simply don't justify the 4 days of side effects I experienced. So I think I will choose to avoid alcohol completely in the future - it just isn't worth it for me.

Everyone's body and mind reacts differently to alcohol so by no means do I think that everyone gets the same effects I did but I do wonder how many people are going through life feeling similar effects but not knowing the cause. If a person is indulging in a few drinks on the weekend, are they only starting to feel the side effects wear off just in time for the next weekend and the cycle beginning again? Could this explain why the work week feels like such a slog for the first 3 days and then you only perk up the last 2 days? It would be easy to assume that it is simply the anticipation of the weekend which gives us a boost towards the end of the week but what if that is how we could feel all the time if it weren't for alcohol?

Sherlock: Suicide and Acceptance

The latest episode of Sherlock, titled "The Lying Detective", other than being a fantastic piece of television, conveyed some very important ideas. Early in the episode Sherlock is speaking with a suicidal woman. He gets her to give him her gun and throws it into the river. Then he says this:

"Taking your own life. Interesting expression... taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it."

As a person who has suffered with frequent and persistent suicidal thoughts in the past, I found this speech to be very impactful. It is fairly uncommon to see this kind of topic covered on mainstream tv programs, so I was pleased to see it being directly tackled in such a popular and wide reaching show. I can't say for sure how much this would have affected me if I was currently experiencing the sort of low which comes with suicidal ideation, but I'd like to think it might have broken through the dark clouds at least a small bit. You can be so wrapped up in yourself and your own pain at those times that you don't think about what impact taking such action might have on your loved ones; I hope that this particular scene can help some people to see from that perspective and stop them from taking action.

Near the end of the episode Watson breaks down crying and Sherlock hugs him while they exchange the following words:

Sherlock: "It's ok."

Watson: "It's not ok."

Sherlock: "No, but it is what it is."

I thought that this was a very nice adaption of the usual "it's ok" that gets said in these kind of situations. I liked how Sherlock's final line encourages acceptance - which is so vital when dealing with such a torrent of emotions. Once again, it is great to see this in a mainstream tv program.

Congratulations to the writers and performers for dealing with such important ideas in their show. I hope to see more of this kind of thing covered in popular entertainment in the future.

Reflection: Turning 30

With my 30th birthday fast approaching, I have taken time to reflect on how far I've come and how much I have changed over the years. Looking back, I am a little surprised to even be here, considering how often I would have thoughts such as; "this will be the last year of my life", "this is the year I will finally do 'it'", "there's no way I will survive another year", "I hope this is the last year" etc. I'm sure you get the idea. At the time I believed these thoughts; I believed that the mind had some kind of predictive power and I believed it could make me hurt myself regardless of what I wanted to do. It's upsetting looking back at that younger version of myself, getting back into contact with her pain. I spent a lot of time wishing and praying to be dead. I realise in retrospect that I was in a lot of danger for many years and needed help far sooner than I sought it or got it.

I doubt that teenage me would have been able to even imagine me here on the cusp of 30, having come out of the other side of that dark cloud I was in, pleased with the way my life is heading and with hopes and dreams for the future. I think that 26 year old me would have struggled to see this future too. The turning point really has been when I first learned ACT; though it didn't transform me instantly, over the last 3 years it has helped me move from almost constant depression to a mostly normal life with occasional low patches.

So here's to my journey; it was tough, but worth it and I hope to continue building a rich and fulfilling life for many more years.

New Year's Resolutions Which Last

It's the New Year and the time when lots of people choose to set themselves new year's resolutions. If you have tried setting a resolution before you may have found them not to be very effective or only effective in the short term. This can often be very disheartening after all the positivity and excitement of the new year starting. I can tell you the key to longer term, more effective resolutions.

To make more lasting resolutions, find the value lying behind that resolution. Most people's resolutions tend to be goals - things which can be ticked off a list when it's done or they take the form of “do less of this” or “do more of that”. Eg. Get to x dress size, drink less alcohol, do more exercise. There's nothing wrong with these goals - they are a great way to achieve various things in life but what is important is knowing what value is driving those goals. Values are the things which matter most to you, the kind of person you want to be, the way you want to act. It is useful to think of values like a compass direction eg. West. You can never reach West but at any moment you can choose to travel in that direction. With values you can never say I have achieved and finished "being kind" for example, but you can always choose to travel in that direction and do something kind in any moment. If you consider your journey of heading in the direction of “being kind” then each act of kindness is a village you pass through on the way. These shorter term destinations are your goals - the things you can tick off a list along the way. These goals are all destinations on the unending path in the direction of your value - it is important to know what value is guiding you or you will get lost when you achieve a goal and won't know where to go from there. This is why so many of us get stuck and sometimes end up going backwards when we've finished a goal. (Anyone who has struggled with weight loss will probably find this familiar - achieving a desired weight and then having no plans in place for maintaining that weight, so we end up gaining back that hard earned weight loss.)

Many new year's resolutions are based on the value of being healthy - weight loss, avoidance of certain foods eg. chocolate, drinking less alcohol, doing more exercise etc. Usually one and sometimes even all of these can feature on someone's resolution list but they all come from the value of looking after your health. Focusing on that deeper desire to take care of your body can help drive you more than the goals along the way. Goals can often feel like something you “must” do rather than something you “want” to do. Knowing what value drives you can turn that “must” into a “want”.

Another wonderful feature of values is that just as you can never achieve or finish doing them you can also never fail at them. A lot of resolutions set us up to fail - “I will stop eating chocolate” for example, is a goal which is just waiting for us to break its rule and fail. Focusing on the underlying value of health and knowing that chocolate is a poor choice for your health can give you the freedom to choose what you consume without feeling this pressing demand of “I must never eat chocolate”. You may be surprised how often you choose to follow your value of health rather than your desire for that foodstuff and if you do slip up and choose to indulge then you haven't failed, you just have the ability to choose differently when the next food choice presents itself.

So to make the most effective resolutions I would recommend resolving to work towards your value (whichever one you choose). For example, this year I wish to work on my value of being healthy. This will involve goals like eating less chocolate and sweets, doing more exercise, avoiding alcohol etc.

Finally I need to warn you of any “should”s which appear when you are discovering your values. A value is never “I should do this” or “I should be that”. If you notice yourself saying “should” then it is likely not your value but something you feel pressured to do by others. Values are deeply personal and are not based on other's opinions. Values are like your favourite flavour of ice cream - other people may encourage you to try other flavours but deep down you just know which flavour is right for you.

I hope you find this helps you to make more lasting new year's resolutions and wish you all the best for this year and beyond.

My personal mindfulness teacher - my toddler

I'm very lucky to have spent almost every waking moment of the last two years with someone who is almost always in the present moment - my daughter. I have learned so much from her about experiencing the present especially over the last year when she has been able to take a more active part in exploring the world around her. I like to think of her as my personal mindfulness teacher.

Babies and toddlers love sensory play - experiencing different textures, sights, sounds and if mummy doesn't whip the item away quickly enough, tastes. When she plays with sand she explores how it feels squeezed in her hand, falling through her fingers, burying her toes and it is so interesting to join in with her - to notice the coolness of the sand, how it moves when poured from a cup, the feel of it falling between my fingers. Simply getting in touch with my senses like this can help me stay present for the rest of the afternoon.

She pays attention to sounds so much more than I do - it makes me realise how many sounds I tune out of everyday life. Not long ago, whenever we went out for walks she would constantly shout "pigeon" or "crow" when each one did a call and she still lets me know every time a plane flies over our house. She does the same with sights when we are exploring outside - she'll point out stones, leaves, insects, animals, birds and so much more. All the little details in life which I tend to tune out, she delights in.

Now that her vocabulary is developing further and she's able to make more specific demands, she is great at encouraging me to join her in play. Today, after helping her make paint handprints, she insisted that it was my turn to make a "splat". I don't like getting messy, so the idea of covering my hand in paint really didn't appeal but I'm glad I let those passengers on my bus and chose to have a turn anyway. My daughter loved painting my hand and I took the chance to be fully present - to notice the cold, slippery texture of the paint on my hand and drop any judgements about the experience. 

In several ACT mindfulness practices it is suggested to approach your experience like a curious scientist - I have been trying to look at it like a curious toddler, with that sense of wonder and fascination they naturally have towards all new things. I'm sure that there's still a lot more to learn by just slowing down and following my toddler's lead and I look forward to spending more time being present with her.

When happiness comes and sits on your shoulder.

Yesterday I had two moments where I noticed that I felt the feeling of happiness. The first was while I was sitting, watching my toddler peel and consume a clementine after lunch and the second was while I was watching my toddler splash in puddles in the deepening twilight after having taken the bin out together. Feeling the cool wind on my face, breathing the crisp autumnal air and watching the glee of my toddler, it's easy to see why I would feel contentment in that moment, but if I could replicate those exact same conditions tomorrow, would I feel the same? Maybe, but maybe not.

We can't control what feelings we have - doing something which was enjoyable one day won't necessarily be as enjoyable another day. We need to let go of the idea of chasing feelings because there are no guarantees when it comes to your feelings. There are plenty of times I have watched my toddler eat a clementine which haven't stirred any happy feelings and times when I've watched her jump in puddles while only feeling frustrated at the messy splashes on her clothes. 

Instead of chasing feelings, turn to your values. For example, doing exercise sometimes makes you feel great afterwards but if you only do exercise in order to feel great then if you just feel exhausted or sad afterwards you will be less motivated the next time. If instead, you have a value of good health to follow then you can choose to exercise regardless of the feelings it creates. If you do feel great afterwards then you can enjoy the nice bonus.

It is very easy to get caught up chasing feelings like happiness - doing things because it should make you happy. If these things don't leave you feeling happy you might wonder if there's something wrong with you or be left with a feeling of disappointment. 

It reminds me of the quote: 

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

Yesterday I simply got on with my day - preparing meals, playing with my toddler, taking the bin out and happiness came and sat on my shoulder. I didn't have to do anything grand or unusual but still found happiness in the everyday.