The problem solving mind is not always the best guide

I got some new craft materials for my toddler the other day. When she was finished this is what my floor looked like.

Instantly my mind came up with a solution - “just vacuum it all up”. This is a great example of the problem solving mind in action - giving suggestions for the easiest solution to the problem in front of me. Indeed I could have vacuumed up all the mess but that would have been going against my value of not being wasteful. I value not throwing useful things away and I value our finances which can't afford me vacuuming up perfectly useable craft materials.

This shows how important knowing our values is. If we always follow the instructions from our problem solving mind then we could end up living a life that is against our values - always doing the easiest thing rather than what is right for us.

With my values as guidance, I chose to painstakingly pick up every one of those beads and sequins. It certainly took a lot longer​ than the vacuum would have but I felt satisfied that I had followed my values and now my toddler has craft stuff at the ready for the next time she desires to spread sequins all over the floor. Though next time I won't be giving her the entire packet, maybe just a handful.

When happiness comes and sits on your shoulder.

Yesterday I had two moments where I noticed that I felt the feeling of happiness. The first was while I was sitting, watching my toddler peel and consume a clementine after lunch and the second was while I was watching my toddler splash in puddles in the deepening twilight after having taken the bin out together. Feeling the cool wind on my face, breathing the crisp autumnal air and watching the glee of my toddler, it's easy to see why I would feel contentment in that moment, but if I could replicate those exact same conditions tomorrow, would I feel the same? Maybe, but maybe not.

We can't control what feelings we have - doing something which was enjoyable one day won't necessarily be as enjoyable another day. We need to let go of the idea of chasing feelings because there are no guarantees when it comes to your feelings. There are plenty of times I have watched my toddler eat a clementine which haven't stirred any happy feelings and times when I've watched her jump in puddles while only feeling frustrated at the messy splashes on her clothes. 

Instead of chasing feelings, turn to your values. For example, doing exercise sometimes makes you feel great afterwards but if you only do exercise in order to feel great then if you just feel exhausted or sad afterwards you will be less motivated the next time. If instead, you have a value of good health to follow then you can choose to exercise regardless of the feelings it creates. If you do feel great afterwards then you can enjoy the nice bonus.

It is very easy to get caught up chasing feelings like happiness - doing things because it should make you happy. If these things don't leave you feeling happy you might wonder if there's something wrong with you or be left with a feeling of disappointment. 

It reminds me of the quote: 

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

Yesterday I simply got on with my day - preparing meals, playing with my toddler, taking the bin out and happiness came and sat on my shoulder. I didn't have to do anything grand or unusual but still found happiness in the everyday.

Grieving: Funeral Fears

This week my ACT mentor and friend Ross passed away - so you can expect a fair amount of posts over the coming weeks about experincing grief.

The funeral is coming up soon and I have chosen to go because it is in line with my values and I think he would have liked me to go too (well, a friend assured me that would be the case at least.) However, I am struggling with the fear of what emotions might be induced at the funeral. I often wouldn't see him for months at a time and so I fear that despite all the grief I have already experienced this last week that maybe the reality of it has not truly hit me yet and likely will do so at the funeral. If that happens I will likely feel very vulnerable and the idea of being in that state while surrounded by strangers makes me very fearful. Thankfully I have a good friend for support who will also be there and support in place for when I come home.

When these thoughts and feelings come up the inevitable question gets asked - why not stay at home and avoid all that pain? If I avoided painful experiences that the funeral might bring up then I would be shrinking my life space and not being true to my values. It is important to me to show my respect and commemorate his life with others who knew him and the great things he did.

So I have resolved to go and in the meantime I am sitting with my fear when it appears and defusing any thoughts which accompany it. It is uncomfortable, but I know that if I struggle with it I will make the fear monster grow stronger. 

This is what I feel is best for me but if you are going through a similar situation then remember to do what works for you. Use your values to guide you and make sure you have the support you need in place. 

When I wrote this post and mentioned my fear of feeling vulnerable I remembered a YouTube video Ross often recommended and decided to rewatch it. It is incredibly relevant to what I am feeling now and once again it amazes me how he is still managing to impact my life even now. It is about the Power of Vulnerability, if you have a spare 20 minutes I highly recommend you watch it.